My strongest belief is that OUR FEELINGS are truly the ONLY THINGS WE REALLY OWN!! No matter how much money your make, how many things you buy, own, how many you’ve invented, crafted, or accomplished, the only thing you will be buried with when your turn comes to leave this world, are your feelings. Your sadness, your happiness, your confusions, your mix-feelings, your complexes, your deceptions… etc are pretty much the only things you don’t pass on or leave in inheritance. You do go or leave with them and that’s why I belief your feelings are the only things you really own.
I have been lucky growing up, to be able to seclude myself very often at the beach and tune in to myself to try to understand the gymnastic of the emotions going on inside me. through that process, I have also develop a pleasure at watching human behavior and more importantly their interaction with self, others and their entourage. Yes, up to todays, beside the dancing and chatting, my next most fun thing at any party is to carve out a corner seat in the room and observe people. Maybe this little pleasure is the reason why I love having crowd around? Or maybe it is just the fact of growing up the first or head of 7 siblings? or growing up with so many cousins I can’t count? (No, really! I do lost count of my direct or first-cousins… my dad has 10 brothers and sister & my mom has 33 brothers and sisters, 11 of which are from the same mother and the rest from the other wives of my maternal grandpa) Or maybe this is just how I came to this world? Whatever may be the reason, I do have a pure pleasure of having crowds around me. The more packed my house is, the happier I am. Whenever I speak fondly of the year I shared and 2bedrooms/1bath house with 24 ladies and 2 kids, 98% people get lost in the ratio of the number of people to the room. only 2% catch the light up in my eyes and the excitement and fondness in my voice. I can jam-packed my place and wake up early in the morning just for the pleasure of watching how people have to line-sleep like a packed-sardine just to fit in the space.
Then, this other me comes out…. the me that thrives in being alone. I do find strength , yes I say strength in being alone. I choose and go to the movies alone, I go to the restaurant alone, I prefer, chose and go on trips alone. Given the opportunity to go out or do things with family and friends, I sometimes come up with excuses to be ALONE.
The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that beside seeing and being in different scenery, the other main reason I love travelling so much is because I get to be in crowd while being alone at the same time. May it be a stride on a crowded touristic street of Amsterdam or Paris, or a seat on a crowded beach of Carmel or Santa Cruz, or a little grab to eat in tourist-packed eatery in Baja, I am and feel alone while in the crowd or surrounded by people. Might it be the reason for the pleasure of taking off to different places/destination? the feeling of being alone while surrounded by people? I’m still pondering on that. I feel harmony in being alone and this harmony has nothing to do with silence – silence from having no people, no noise around – I feel that harmony in the touristic-crowd!
Like this week….. as much as I miss my children and I do really miss them! I am having a pleasure (and I’m still determining if it should be a guilty one or not) at being by myself all alone feeling harmonious despite the ac noise, the ventilation noise, the fridge noise, the TV constant background noise….etc.
According to the greek astrology, my birth date makes me a Gemini…. double to multiple personalities with lots of contradictions?!(and boy, I have lots of these)?! – sound like I fit the Gemini thing.