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Facts – Balance – Center

“….Facts are the center – don’t pretend that certain facts are in dispute to give appearance of fairness to people who don’t believe them… balance is irrelevant… it doesn’t have anything to do with truth, logic or reality.” – The Newsroom

Facts – Balance…

The blacks’ single-stoty and the failure of our justice system!

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http://youtu.be/D9Ihs241zeg?t=14s

Listen to her point of the danger in telling a single story….. and see how today’s failure in the Florida’s case continue to prove the point of what she is saying.

It really falls to us black, yellow, minorities to make sure that we add to that single story to give it a multi-face and a somehow close to complete story.

My heart really aches for the Martin family!

How can a grown man armed with loaded gun, ignored a 911-dispatcher’s request and went after a young teenager holding a bag of candy, antagonized him then shoot him to dead, can be found not guilty? I can not explain. I’m going to have to find a way to thought… as I know I will be facing my kids’ 1000 questions about this. (We have started the discussion when most of the kids wore the hoody in support of Trayvon).

Want & Wish Vs. Reality

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Loving someone is different from knowing how to love them.

In other words, as much you love someone, you still might not know how to actually love them. What IS in your heart somehow does not transpire into the happiness you wish to see in reality of that love.  you love them but don’t know how to love them and consequently the result is not happiness as  it should be according to the feelings in your heart, rather frustrations, unhappiness, resentment…. the opposite of what the feeling in your heart ought to produce.

Is that what happen between the teenage-to-young-adult kids and their parents?

Is that what happen to couples? (love each other but can’t live together?)

Who’s fault does it become? more importantly how to remedy this?

Little pleasure, Guilty pleasure, Contradictions?!?!

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My strongest belief is that OUR FEELINGS are truly the ONLY THINGS  WE REALLY OWN!! No matter how much money your make, how many things you buy, own, how many you’ve invented, crafted, or accomplished, the only thing you will be buried with when your turn comes to leave this world, are your feelings.  Your sadness, your happiness, your confusions, your mix-feelings, your complexes, your deceptions… etc are pretty much the only things you don’t pass on or leave in inheritance.  You do go or leave with them and that’s why I belief your feelings are the only things you really own.

I have been lucky growing up, to be able to seclude myself very often at the beach and tune in to myself to try to understand the gymnastic of the emotions going on inside me. through that process, I have also develop a pleasure at watching human behavior and more importantly their interaction with self, others and their entourage. Yes, up to todays, beside the dancing and chatting, my next most fun thing at any party is to carve out a corner seat in the room and observe people. Maybe this little pleasure is the reason why I love having crowd around? Or maybe it is just the fact of growing up the first or head of 7 siblings? or growing up with so many cousins I can’t count? (No, really! I do lost count of my direct or first-cousins… my dad has 10 brothers and sister & my mom has 33 brothers and sisters, 11 of which are from the same mother and the rest from the other wives of my maternal grandpa) Or maybe this is just how I came to this world? Whatever may be the reason, I do have a pure pleasure of having crowds around me.  The more packed my house is, the happier I am. Whenever I speak fondly of the year I shared and 2bedrooms/1bath house with 24 ladies and 2 kids, 98% people get lost in the ratio of the number of people to the room. only 2% catch the light up in my eyes and the excitement and fondness in my voice.  I can jam-packed my place and wake up early in the morning just for the pleasure of watching how people have to line-sleep like a packed-sardine just to fit in the space.

Then, this other me comes out…. the me that thrives in being alone.  I do find strength , yes I say strength in being alone. I choose and go to the movies alone, I go to the restaurant alone, I prefer, chose and go on trips alone. Given the opportunity to go out or do things with family and friends, I sometimes come up with excuses to be ALONE.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that beside seeing and being in different scenery, the other main reason I love travelling so much is because I get to be in crowd while being alone at the same time. May it be a stride on a crowded touristic street of Amsterdam or Paris, or a seat on a crowded beach of Carmel or Santa Cruz, or a little grab to eat in tourist-packed eatery in Baja, I am and feel alone while in the crowd or surrounded by people. Might it be the reason for the pleasure of taking off to different places/destination? the feeling of being alone while surrounded by people? I’m still pondering on that. I feel harmony in being alone and this harmony has nothing to do with silence – silence from having no people, no noise around – I feel that harmony in the touristic-crowd!

Like this week….. as much as I miss my children and I do really miss them! I am having a pleasure (and I’m still determining if it should be a guilty one or not) at being by myself all alone feeling harmonious despite the ac noise, the ventilation noise, the fridge noise, the TV constant background noise….etc.

According to the greek astrology, my birth date makes me a Gemini…. double to multiple personalities  with lots of contradictions?!(and boy, I have lots of these)?! – sound like I fit the Gemini thing.

I miss you

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Dear Salihi & Nana,

I miss you very much already. you haven’t even reach San Diego yet and I miss already.

I miss your good-night mommy hugs that trail and linger  just so you can keep watching my ‘grown-up’ TV programs, or your goodnight hugs that turn into ‘mommy I have a question or an idea, or something to tell you….’ an excuse just to lie next to me on the coach. – I know I haven’t told you just how precious those moments are to me. Since I’m a hug-bear, seeing you come up w/excuses just to prolong cuddling time with me make me feel really lucky! – Yes lucky to have such affectionate kids!!! Please stay this way! Never cease to be affectionate. 🙂

I even miss our little tag of war to get you to take your shower, pick up your room and get ready for bed! Ironic how, in those moments I say ‘can wait for your guys to grow up enough for me not to have to be on your back to get ready for the night’ – and now I miss that tonight! Funny how we wish a situation away…. just to want it back when we realize that that situation has become part of us.

I hope you have lots of fun w/your Tata K and your cousins – as this will be my only compensation for missing you so much for the days ahead!!!!!

I have a lot more to tell you…. but I’m too tired right now.

Be safe and have fun!!!!!!!

Love yous.

The little changes of growing up.

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This is a little conversation we have in the car this morning on our way to dropping them off.

Nana: mommy I wish you can take us on a bike ride

Salihi: but we won’t all fit. one person will have to sit in the front and that’s very dangerous

Nana: it isn’t

Salihi: yes it is especially if we crash

Nana: No it is NOT!! because we did it many time in Africa and it wasn’t dangerous!! – little disclosure here: last year during our stay in Lome, Togo, Nana discovered a new found love for “Zemidjan” ( small-bike use as taxi). She would give me grief for choosing a taxi-car over the bike and was thriiilled the few time we rode the zemidjan. – back to our conversation.

Me: (step in to court short another debate of who can back his/her argument best) I love bikes and I use to ride them.

Nana: why did you stop riding them? you don’t like them anymore?

Salihi: when did you stop riding them?

Me: I stop riding long time ago…. before I met daddy. Yes, I still like bikes especially big bikes. As to why I stop riding them? I really can’t say b’cos I really don’t know.  I guess there are certain things that you liked and felt like doing at certain time of your life…. then as you are growing up you just don’t feel like doing them anymore, at least not as much as you used to.

Nana & Salihi -together: really?

Me: yes. You will see.

 

And my dear children, that’s my little lesson for you for today. – It is okay to accept and be at peace with the changes in your taste, desire, likes, perception, understanding, patience, tolerance, character, … etc as you grow and mature.  Some of these changes are nice and some are painful and tormenting and you must make peace and find harmony in these changes.

I love yous.

 

Salihi’s Lancelot

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I got the pleasure of being asked by my little (?) I guess with being almost my height, I better start calling him my young gentleman to read some chapters of a book he has been writing for the past several months.

A fiction of a hero (him of course) with magical powers to fight monsters and bad leaders to protect the people and keep them safe. Beyond my surprise at just how much details he put in his writing or the sheer number of pages he has writing so far, I got a glimpse of how he sees himself. – A powerful protector who remains humble to the people he protects, loyal to his friends, a commander-in-chief who can come up with plans and tactics as changes in situation demand, a swift punisher, …etc. The only character trait that gave me a pause, was his eagerness or needs to be seen, noticed, and appreciated and yet, his character would walk into scenes quietly, purposely avoiding to be noticed until the appropriate moment. This contradiction really gave me a pause and food for thoughts.

Naturally as a mother, I wonder if I am lacking in the amount of attention I give him. From my own experience I learned that the curse of being the one to always give care and attention to others is that when you need it the most, others fail to see it and return it most of the time. Personally, I do not blame them, I’ve learned that when you only give, you not only turn your surrounding into receivers/takers but also rob them off the opportunity to give back. Consequently they lose that ability around YOU.  My dear Salihi has a huge heart that worries me (a subject of another discussion). He cares enormously about others. He still lets little sis Nana get away with murder. Come to think about, I can’t remember the last time I did anything with just Salihi w/o dear lil sister wiggling her way in. And boy, she is great at this. – one example tonight is when Salihi handed me his computer to read the story, and sat next to me on the coach, few minutes later Nana came in and the only place she wanted to sit was between me and Salihi.  He pointed out to her that there was no space between us and offer for her to sit either on his other side or on my other side. She ignore his offer and stood there, so Salihi & I just continue w/our reading…. and the next thing we realize that she was sitting nicely nested between us. yep, that’s my Nana – expert at wiggling in her way! As usual Salihi gave in and move to my other side to continue the reading.

From reading his book, I wonder how many time have I let Nana or my busy schedule, or his own giving and caring heart rob him off my attention? His desire to be seen, noticed and appreciated is a bit of a wake up for me to really give my attention to him.

Or  I am just over-analyzing??